Life with two kids is hard

It is.

As far as my life and responsibilities go, I feel like I am just barely holding it all together. This has been a period of my life that has also been very enlightening. I've always taken pride in my ability to prioritize with maximum efficiency and accuracy. However, I have been exposed to just how much time i spend obsessively cleaning for no real benefit. Ava destroys everything within 30 minutes, and Lincoln is freshly mobile. I'm lucky to walk through the house without twisting my ankle from stepping on some crap on the floor. 

So, I am going to try really hard to just let it go. Let it go! As long as it isn't hurting anyone or anything, just let it be. And maybe replacing that glass tabletop that attracts grassy fingerprints 10 times a day will help, as well. We rarely entertain. No one will know any better if there is dust of the stove hood, or the baseboards are fuzzy, or if there is Dora yogurt smeared on the LCD.

It's a funny position I am in, being the "breadwinner."  

I hate that phrase. I just imagine the working member of the family walking in the front door with a satin sash that says "Winner of Bread 2012" and pumping the loaf above their head. What does that make my husband? He is up to his ears in baby crap and cooking and cleaning and listening to screaming and crying all day, while still trying to learn new and interesting things. That is much more than "bread" winning. At least the end result is that my family "wins" and is happy. 

In my position, very little relies on my strengths and abilities at this point in my career. It's a lot of luck, and being at the right place at the right time. I am not responsible for tiny human beings being valuable contributors to society. That is something money can't really buy. I can barely manage to get grown adults to be contributing members of a workplace team.  No one is more of a "winner" than the other -- and if there is one, it certainly is not me. We are simply playing to our strengths given our current situation. Isn't that all anyone can do? Isn't that all that makes sense?

I am just glad things have been as stable as they have been. I am such a worrier, though. Every night my dreams are full of CRAZY things. I often can't fall back asleep at 3am while thinking about something I didn't have time to think about earlier in the day. It's not debilitating (and I do things to even myself out, like my exercise). But it is a far cry from stresses I remember from previous life phases. One very faint, barely-audible cry. 

I am truly happy, though. I have more than I ever thought i would. I hate it when people get overly-thankful or appreciative, having Oprah moments. But I really can't look at all I have without realizing how great it all is. It really is. 

More photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/theredfantastic/